Reviews of albums I did not listen to

Ever run across a piece of writing that seems only vaguely familiar until you realize that you wrote it? I found these Amazon reviews from 2000 that I (apparently) penned. The millennial Noah was cleverer—and had more spare time—than the modern Noah. Enjoy.

Music

Music
Price: $6.99
Availability: In Stock

 
1 of 4 people found the following review helpful:
5.0 out of 5 stars
Better Than Patsy Cline!, November 12, 2000

On this disc, Madonna–the most diversely talented human since the late
Steve Allen–explores her heretofore unexplored country/western side
with phenomenal results.

The
opener, “Music,” carries the listener on a delightful magic carpet ride
to a smoky honky-tonk, complete with sawdust on the floor and bottles
a-flyin’ through the air. She out Patsy Clines Patsy Cline when she
pulls aching low notes from her diaphragm.

“Impressive Instant”
explores the fleeting nature of love: a star struck female rodeo clown
is impressed by a swaggering bull rider — but only for an instant. The
twang of a distant lap steel only adds to the heartbreak.

“I
Deserve It” is about good love gone bad, as a trailer resident with low
self-esteem cries herself to sleep at night after her nightly beating
by her truck-driving husband. Willie Nelson ably acts the part of the
hubby in this soul-wrenching duet.

“What it Feels Like for a Girl” answers an age-old question: why do girls like horseback riding so much?

Finally,
“Gone” is a chicken-fried tribute to Greg Ginn’s post-Black Flag days
in the band by the same name. Merle Haggard lends his voice to this a
cappela number; Madonna and Merle conjure memories of old-stlye
barbershop quartets.

Bravo! Five Stars! Buy it Now!

No Strings Attached

No Strings Attached
Price: $8.98
Availability: In Stock

 
2 of 7 people found the following review helpful:
4.0 out of 5 stars
It’s About the Lyrics, November 8, 2000

It’s time to overlook the N’Sync boys’ hunkiness and good manners, and
focus on what really counts in the post-modern age: the lyrics. And
guess what? N’Sync’s got lyrics as good as their dance moves!

“Just
Got Paid” is a Springsteen-esque tribute to the working class. As the
title suggests, a man has “just got paid,” and wishes to celebrate with
his special someone. Could that someone be you? You can only hope! This
song accurately portrays the hand-to-mouth existence of middle America.

“No
Strings Attached” has a cunning double meaning: Is it about the boys’
management by an evil puppeteer? Or is it about a relationship that
indulges in carnal pleasures, with none of the messy dating or phone
calls. Good show, boys!

“I Thought She Knew” is also a song that
pop historians will be attempting to decipher for many years to come.
On first glance, the knowledge in question seems to be whether the
author is currently in a long-term relationship (i.e. “I thought she
knew I already had a girlfriend”). But the sly references to “the
clinic” leads one to wonder about altogether different interpretations.

Finally,
“It Makes Me Ill” is the lyrical coup on the “No Strings Attached” CD.
Food allergies are a sensitive topic for youngsters, and never has it
been so poignantly addressed.

There can be no doubt that,
lyrically, N’Sync are the Bob Dylan of their generation. Poetry books
could well outsell their albums!

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